I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
