I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Well I just put wine in my tea
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
