I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
