if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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