This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
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Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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