New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
