No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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