Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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