you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
