Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
