If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
