he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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