Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
