In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
