I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
