My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
