Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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