absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
