I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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