Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
