Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
