she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
