Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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