Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
