Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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