You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
