You can't motorboat a personality
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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