I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
