When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
