Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
