I queefed so loud it echoed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
