I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think I won the penis lottery.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
