I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
