I'm eating all of the evidence.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
