i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
