Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
