two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
