I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
