On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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