Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
