Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
