guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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