I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
