It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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