she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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