After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
