3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
