Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
