Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
