If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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