dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
