Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
