Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
