Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
