Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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